Journal of a Traitor
by H.I.M-Jon-White
Summary: Itachi's long forgotton journal


Itachi's Journal

June 9, 1995

Today is my 7th birthday. Father didn't say much. Mom gave me a set of new kunai and this journal. Sasuke will be 2 soon. Mom says I can play with him once he can run without falling down.

June 29, 1995

Father is teaching me how to use the sharingan. He says it will take at least a year for me to learn. 

July 23, 1995

It's Sasuke's birthday today. Mom let me take him for a walk. He tried to run away from me several times. Doesn't he like me?

December 14, 1998

I became a Chuunin today. I'm glad I found this journal again. It turns out Sasuke hid it under the sink 3 years ago. I should find a safe place to keep it so I don't lose it again.I haven't written much in here, have I? Not much to say really. Dad is always angry. Mom is just...mom. Sasuke is very noisy. When he was a baby I thought he didn't like me, but apparently I was wrong. He tugs at my sleeve all the time asking me to play with him. I wish I had the time.

June 9, 2000

It's my 12th birthday. It hasn't been a very good day though. Dad never says anything on my birthdays. Why doesn't he care about me? Mom got me a few things. The same things she gets me every year; new weapons. I know I need them, but couldn't I get anything else for a change? Sasuke always gets toys on his birthdays, so why don't I?Sasuke will be enrolling in the academy in a couple of months. He seems very excited. I'm happy for him, but I wish I could tell him what horrors he's setting himself up for. Every time I see his innocent little face and think of what he'll have to live through being a ninja it just makes me want to cry. I don't want my little brother to suffer.

June 23, 2000

The mission today was bloodier than I've seen in a long while. Luckily I managed to escape with only a few minor cuts and bruises, but my team suffered dearly. I visited them at the hospital today. One has died. Sasuke asked me why I looked so sad when I got home. Ah, little Sasuke, you'll understand soon enough.

June 24, 2000

Father, why do you put me through this? Why do I never hear a soft-hearted word from you? It's always "as expected from my child" as if I have no other purpose in life than to please you. It feels to me like if I wasn't a ninja you wouldn't love me. Did you even consider that I might not want to be one? Maybe I don't enjoy this father. Maybe I don't want to spend my life drenched in blood.It is too late to change things now, even if you knew. I've been tainted with the stench of death and it will never be washed away. I couldn't choose my own path, but I'll follow this bloody one you've set me on.

I'll follow it so well you'll regret your decision.

June 30, 2000

I'm becoming a monster. I can feel it in my soul. Each mission makes me colder. Each death numbs me. Sasuke, don't be as blind and foolish as me. Run away. Escape this fate. I used to cry. I used to feel pain for every injury I caused. Every life I ruined. I used to feel pain for myself; for what I was going through.It's all gone now. My battle scars have healed the pain. Does that mean killing makes me stronger? I see no other explanation.

July 5, 2000

Shisui is "worried about me". I asked him why. He replied that "I'm not being myself lately" and that "my eyes look cold and dark".

I suppose he's right. I no longer care.

July 17, 2000

I discovered the Uchiha's secret today. It chilled me to the bone. I've set my goals already though. I will not turn back.Will you be proud of me father? Will you be proud when I sacrifice everything for the sake of improving my abilities? Of course you will...You've never been proud of anything else, have you?It have it all planned, Father.

July 28, 2000

I fear I'm going insane. When did this happen? Why is it happening? I don't talk to Shisui anymore. I can't bear to look at him knowing what I'll start thinking.

I don't want to be like this. I want to be happy. Sasuke is the only thing keeping my thin strand of sanity in tact. Dear little brother, you're the only one who loves me.

August 5, 2000

Father acts normally as if he doesn't see the cold, thin smile on my lips every time I greet him.

Mother has tried to comfort me a few times, but I think she knows it's futile. All she's ever been is a puppet under my father's control. She could never do anything that displeased him. I feel sorry for her. She is so weak.

August 11, 2000

I'm going to join the ANBU, father tells me. I have to go on a special mission. No doubt it will involve spilling more blood that what flows through my own veins.

August 20, 2000

I went to the training grounds with Sasuke today. He watched me in awe as if hitting a few targets was the greatest skill in the world. Then he tried to copy me and hurt his ankle. I carried him all the way home. He wants to join the police force, but father probably wishes the same fate on him as he does on me; to be a murderer.Tomorrow Sasuke will enter the academy. Father actually forgot. He said he was going to come with me on the special ANBU mission. What kind of father is he? It's like he's obsessed with me; obsessed with my power as if he wished it for himself. I finally got him to agree to go with Sasuke, so I was surprised to feel my little brother's eyes burning into my back as we left the room. Are you abandoning me too little brother?

August 21, 2000

The mission was a success.

September 22, 2000

Father thinks I'm on a mission. I'm really sitting in the forest surrounded by peaceful trees. I try not to think anymore. I know what I have to do. Now I'm just waiting for the right time to do it. Sasuke is doing very well at the academy.

September 24, 2000

It's very late. After 2am I'm sure. Father told me sternly about a meeting I'm supposed to go to tomorrow night. Mom sat by his side looking like she would rather be any other place in the world. Sasuke woke up when he heard Father yelling and came to see what was happening. It seems whenever he looks at me lately it's with this sorrowful expression that makes me wonder if he can tell what's going through my mind.

September 25, 2000

I did it. I gained the power of the Mangekyou Sharingan. I can never be called human again. Killing my best friend for the sake of power...I must be insane. What do you think of me now father? Are you proud now?Shisui...wherever he is now I'm sure he hates me too. The Mangekyou burns my eyes. Nothing good can be done with this power, father. Ambition has killed me.

September 26, 2000

He hates me. My only strand of sanity has been ripped from my fingers. You don't know, do you Sasuke? You don't know how much I love you. That's probably my fault. Father made you this way. He made you hate me. He must have.I tried to explain it away more to myself than to Sasuke; that we're rivals as well as brothers. But I can't believe that. How am I supposed to believe that?Father will pay! HE MADE MY LITTLE BROTHER HATE ME!! There's only one thing left to do now. I'll give you a real reason to hate me, little Sasuke. You'll hate me more than you ever imagined. You'll hate me as much as I love you.

I'll kill them all.

They accused me today of killing Shisui. I denied it. I've turned into some kind of monster. I'm no longer Itachi. I'm no longer my father's son. I would have killed them all right there. Made them drown their threats to arrest me with blood-filled throats. Only...Sasuke was there. Sasuke was watching.

September 30, 2000

Something inside me has snapped.

October 12, 2000

Sasuke is out late training. Now is my chance. After tonight, I quite possibly won't see him again.Little brother...you'll never know what drove me to this. You'll never know why. But there's one thing you should know.

You used to love me and I used to love you. Remember that, little brother. 


End file.
